Maple Ridge

Went to friend's friend's friend's party in Maple Ridge tonight. Met this Iranian woman who turned out to be living within walking distance from me. Small world indeed!

So there's this Japanese girl and this white guy...and this Iranian woman somehow noticed that this white guy was checking out this Jap girl and she took the liberty to get them together. And the rest of us followed the cue and sorta left the two alone. Haha it was so silly. Apparently, in the Iranian culture, the people believe that their god would bless them when they successfully matchmake people. Well personally, I think matchmaking is a tricky business...better wash our hands clean of it and leave it to God.

The hostess was half-Korean half something else. She so reminded me of this Korean girl I used to know....it's almost creepy. The way they talk, the slight accent they carry, even the way they carry themselves...

So this party was definitely refreshing, esp. since I haven't exactly been to any parties for a while. Except if you count the CNY dinner. But all the same, I enjoyed myself. Though I seem to get tired pretty early now, wonder if my age is catching on haha :P

Mellowing Out

I've noticed that I've been getting more mellow lately...esp. since my parents' coming back. It's probably gotta to with the season too, or the lack of festive activities. This quieting down gets me bored sometimes, though it's giving me more time with God, if only I'd use it well.

A friend asked me last week if I'd be very wild without God. Haha I found that very interesting, cuz not too many people have seen that side of me. I'm pretty toned down with most people, cuz most people I know now are pretty toned down. Though I must say I enjoy the company of playful people a lot. Playfulness...hm...

So I found out yesterday that...well there are these two brothers I know. Both of them were given the same opportunity, one chose to take it and the other decided not to after trying it out for a while. The one who refused the opportunity got involved with trafficking and was caught in the follower car as his comrades and himself were closing in on the US border. Apparently the police had had their eyes on the gang for a while. Now his lawyer's strategy is to take advantage of the fact that this guy's fingerprints don't show on any of the guns, that he just "happened" to be there.

Sometimes we stand at the crossroads and we're given good and bad. One decision will take you down a totally different road.

Cambie & 49th is Back!

Ok so I'm 2 days late in blogging this, but hooray! Cambie and 49th is finally back to being an intersection. Well technically, this is not true, since you can't turn left on Cambie goin' northbound; but I'm happy enough to see 2 lanes in each direction (well east to west I mean).

It's been rainy most of the week, but once in a while the sun peaks out. Think forecasts predicts a rainy weekend. But who knows, maybe the sun will decide to show her face instead.

Chinese new year is this Sunday apparently. No special excitement or emotions towards this, probably cuz we haven't celebrated it for so many years that any attachment to this s'pposedly festive day has worn off. Plus to this day, I still don't really know how big, or how small my family is. Family being remote family of course; at least I know the immediate one haha.

Been paying more attention to how much time I spend w/ my family. Probably more out of fear than out of want. But I should probably learn to do this. I don't know why family's such a "burden" to me. Should dump out this attitude together with the old year I guess. It's nice that being Chinese, I get two new starts in a year. Ah kinda cool...never thought about it this way. So since I missed my resolutions list on Jan. 1, does that mean here's my second chance?

Blood Donation

Donated for the 3rd time tonight. Was s'pposed to get a pin and a pen, but didn't b/c I was in a rush and didn't ask for them, though I would've liked to see how the pin looked like. It was so busy at the clinic, busiest as I've ever seen it. In a way, it made me happy to see that there were so many willing donors in this city; in another, I was a bit frustrated cuz it took a while to get my turn.

I checked out the board listing the companies/communities with members that are life-time donars. It's interesting to note that those with the highest numbers were social services including the fire department and the police department. However, these were pretty big companies so the numbers could be a bit misleading. I was surprised to find my high shool listed up there. The numbers showed a sharp drop though: for 2006 it was in the thirties or forties, but for 2007, there's only 1 so far.

Just got home not too long ago. Got a chance to talk to my dad, albeit short, but I know it makes him happy when I talk to him, even though it be some stupid topic. I just wish my short fuse wouldn't blow on him that often. Sigh...I hope I won't take things for granted, or people for granted...

Humanity

Tried my new church on Sunday. Liked it. Went to the early service at 9:15am so there were more older people, like seniors. Loved the worship. Felt Jesus's presence which made me cry, as it often does. It touches me every time He'd show up where I am. Still trying to discern whether this church is the one for me, at least for now.

After that, I went back to my old church cuz I was gonna meet with my prayer partners. Thought I'd attend the service as well since I didn't have anything to do before the prayer time. The pastor showed a clip depicting the last few minutes on one of the planes that crashed on 911 a few years ago. All the conversation was recorded as it was. The havoc, the panic, the last moments...it's almost despicable that us humans, when things are fine & dandy, we go about our daily lives as robots, doin' what we're s'pposed to do, seeking what we think are valuables, thinking that we're in each other's way. But when disasters hit, that's when humanity finally comes through to the surface. Why does it always take something horrible to wake us up to reality?

But that's not the point of my blog. The clip showed people sharing their phones with each other so that as many people as possible would get a chance to call whoever they'd wanna call. For the last time. And the pastor asked us who we'd call if we were in those people's shoes. And there's only one person who came to mind. And then when the pastor said, in situations like those, you'd of course wanna call whoever you love the most. Which shocked me a bit, but when I gave it some thought, it did make sense. You'd of course wanna spend your last breath on your loved ones. But this also troubled me a bit...the person I'd call wasn't my family. Not even my brother. My beloved brother.

I once asked God what He loved the most. The answer I believe I received was "My Church". Maybe I heard Him wrong. Maybe not. I have no clue. But one thing I know for sure: I don't know what love is, but I can feel it. My first taste of love was in God, and I pray that I'd love Him as much as the grace He's shown me.

Valentine's Day is tomorrow. We were asked to write a love letter to Jesus in this bible study I've been goin' to. The moment that request came, my mind was blank. In fact, I felt bad b/c I'd been having a pretty depressing and troubling week and honestly you wouldn't have been able to scramble up a word remotely related to love if you cracked my skull open. And someone said "I can't write under pressure". I wonder if Jesus was hurt at that time. Is this love? I truly ain't judging, esp. since I don't love God as much as I did. But that was a wakeup call.

I wanna love Jesus. With all that I am. When He smiles, it makes my heart flutter, esp. when He smiles upon me. I wanna study His Word with people who are serious about Him, who love Him at least as much as I do...or as little as I do...or correction, better yet, more than I do. I know facts are important, but I want both facts AND life.

I commit myself to Your secret place again tonight God. Keep me there so I would never leave. Would You spend Valentine's Day with me?

Excellence vs Perfection

Read a quote the other day by Michael J. Fox. It went like this "I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I can reach for, perfection is God's business."

My first reaction was, boy, have I been confused for so long?! Second reaction, I didn't know M.J. Fox is a God believer. Well to be technical, I'm not sure if I'm exactly a perfectionist. When it comes to things I care about, yes, I strive for perfection. Or I should say excellence now. With things I don't rank high, I simply don't care. Hm...I don't think this is a good trait.

So excellence vs. perfection. I never thought about differentiating the two, but now that I've come across that quote, I see a certain truth in it. Maybe I've been blindly doin' what only God can do. It's funny how just so unexpectedly you stumble upon something so revealing. Something so simple if you'd take the time to see it.

I realized something just now - I love to write.

Thorns

God really does have a way of getting me down on my knees, doesn't He? I admit I'm not as diligent an intercessor I should be, but I love praying and talking to God. I dunno why, but it just feels so natural, so peaceful. It makes me happy....well sometimes sad, but...

I've thinking these days, that Paul only had one thorn. How come I seem to have so many more than one? Did something go wrong somewhere? Then I thought, well how many thorns did Jesus have? I don't think the Bible gives a count anywhere. Because there's no point counting them? I remain clueless.

Sigh...so the lead weight is still in my heart. I'm glad God gave me the grace to share it with the bible study group tonight. Maybe He knew I was gonna snap. Haha...this has happened before, I really feel like history replaying itself. Maybe I somehow hit a time machine and I'm actually back in 2003? I gave some more thought to this, and I guess my reaction this time is different. Last time, I was very scared. This time, I feel OK. If God takes this away, I know He'll give me something better; so I'm not scared of losing anything. And if He didn't, well, it'd be a cool adventure nonetheless I'm sure. Just wish that it wasn't hurting as much. The bitter-sweet taste of being broken...suddenly everything else fades in color...I truly realize that I don't need anything else but Him because He completes me and He defines me. If I could live out this realization...this seems so impossible and farfetched.

Alright. So in the midst of all this, I must say I'm thankful for the people God has allowed me to meet in the bible study. It's refreshing to see the lively dedication which I needed to see. To me it's the kind of dedication that springs from the heart, not from religiosity. I'm truly thankful that I gotta see this. I used to think that all Christians have this unseen bond; but I've come to realize that I can't connect with any Christians. Maybe it's a sign that I need a long way to grow and mature. But I do believe that Christians can connect deeper in a way that non-Christians can't.

The work week plows on. Sigh...getting closer to the weekend. Will my lead get lighter? I wanna spend at least half of Sat with God, and Him alone. Help me do that Lord.

Earthquake Warning Called Off

So the warning's officially off...at least for now. But to me the warning's still on, it's a more insidious kind of on. I'm not scared of it; yet when I think about the post-quake devastation, yes, it does shoot off many alarms. And yes I find it disturbing, and terribly helpless.

Regretfully I'm writing this blog. I'm thankful for the earthquake warning, b/c this one really hit home. When the calamity hit Indonesia last time, was it 2 years ago? I can't recall. I thought about helping out, and ultimately the thought drifted off into nothingness. This warning came at an opportune time, for me to look at my heart, my selfish heart. It sorta helped me take a moment to put myself in the shoes of those unfortunate people, and there's no need to say that I'd gratefully appreciate some external help. I could've given them some minute relief, in ways more than one; yet I didn't.

I'm not saying we all need to help out in everything. But I do believe that we all need to help out in something, whatever it may be that we feel led to help with. It's calamities that bring people closer, ain't it? Because they have a way of stripping people bare, so we all become real.

In retrospect, I regret my not helping out when I had a chance. In introspect, I'm disappointed and a bit alarmed to find myself so unfeeling. So I take this as a spur into action, into prayer, if God would lead me. I fear God's wrath, especially since I'm on Ezekiel right now. How distressful is the thought that God might destroy the land? The land His own hand has carved! I don't want to imagine all the beauties in Vancouver turn into crumbles. This is too much. This hurts too much.

Aren't we all called to be watchmen? I have failed. Horribly. Will I take up the post again? God, have mercy and yes I say again, RELENT! For no other reason than that we're Your own! Both Christians and Christians-to-be!

Day of Tears

My spirit's really low. Felt so sad. How much power could a person hold? How am I suppose to put this into words? How am I to respond?

Been thinking about God all day, trying to make it through with His help. Memories came back, memories of 2 years ago. Was I glad that He was there for me to go to. There are things that I can't tell anyone but Him. He's got such a way with me that I can simply bare my heart and soul when my heart feels like lead. And I can cry, knowing that He'll catch my tears in a bottle, confident that no matter what, I'm a treasure in His eyes because I'm wondrously and fearfully made. What am I gonna do without You Lord?

Heart's still heavy. But I've come to see something else out of this situation, such that I can honestly and happily thank God for this. I consider this a time for me to go closer to God, which I've been praying for. I'm not looking for mountaintop experiences, or anything spectacular, I just wanna be close to Jesus. Really close. Basic life close, pratically close, banally close. Is God not bigger than my sadness, bigger than the problems that are in my way. His hands aren't too short to catch me are they? They aren't too weak to crunch the obstacles into nothingness are they?

I got a message today..."My grace is sufficient for you". Used to go "yikes" when I received that message, because I'd think "shoot, trouble's near". I don't seek trouble, but I don't feel negative about that message no more. In a way, I long for it...or rather...expectantly check around me and inside of me to see how God wants to draw me closer, which part of Him He wants to reveal to me. That's where I want to be, by His side, because that's where I'm home, where I know I'm safe.

I believe some day I will fly. And I will fly really high. High enough to defy gravity. If it takes a few bumps and scratches, God I want you to know that I'm willing to pay the price. And yes, I'm scared even as I said it, because I really have no clue where that price sits, or even what range we're dealing with here. But just make me not look at the price, Lord, but beyond it towards what lies behind it.

My God my everliving everlasting God, I know nothing's impossible with You.