Thorns

God really does have a way of getting me down on my knees, doesn't He? I admit I'm not as diligent an intercessor I should be, but I love praying and talking to God. I dunno why, but it just feels so natural, so peaceful. It makes me happy....well sometimes sad, but...

I've thinking these days, that Paul only had one thorn. How come I seem to have so many more than one? Did something go wrong somewhere? Then I thought, well how many thorns did Jesus have? I don't think the Bible gives a count anywhere. Because there's no point counting them? I remain clueless.

Sigh...so the lead weight is still in my heart. I'm glad God gave me the grace to share it with the bible study group tonight. Maybe He knew I was gonna snap. Haha...this has happened before, I really feel like history replaying itself. Maybe I somehow hit a time machine and I'm actually back in 2003? I gave some more thought to this, and I guess my reaction this time is different. Last time, I was very scared. This time, I feel OK. If God takes this away, I know He'll give me something better; so I'm not scared of losing anything. And if He didn't, well, it'd be a cool adventure nonetheless I'm sure. Just wish that it wasn't hurting as much. The bitter-sweet taste of being broken...suddenly everything else fades in color...I truly realize that I don't need anything else but Him because He completes me and He defines me. If I could live out this realization...this seems so impossible and farfetched.

Alright. So in the midst of all this, I must say I'm thankful for the people God has allowed me to meet in the bible study. It's refreshing to see the lively dedication which I needed to see. To me it's the kind of dedication that springs from the heart, not from religiosity. I'm truly thankful that I gotta see this. I used to think that all Christians have this unseen bond; but I've come to realize that I can't connect with any Christians. Maybe it's a sign that I need a long way to grow and mature. But I do believe that Christians can connect deeper in a way that non-Christians can't.

The work week plows on. Sigh...getting closer to the weekend. Will my lead get lighter? I wanna spend at least half of Sat with God, and Him alone. Help me do that Lord.